Quotes

215 Funny Quotes, Status & Captions

Devang Vibhakar

Funny quotes are a great way to brighten up your day and bring a smile to your face. Whether you’re looking for something to share with your friends, or simply need a little pick-me-up, there are plenty of hilarious and witty quotes to choose from.

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If you’re looking for funny quotes for friends, there are plenty of options to choose from. From witty one-liners to hilarious anecdotes, these quotes are sure to have your friends in stitches. Whether you want to share a laugh with your besties or just need a little humor in your life, these funny quotes are perfect for any occasion.

Funny quotes on life can help to lighten up even the most serious of situations. These quotes remind us to take a step back and find the humor in everyday situations. Whether you’re feeling down or just need a little humor in your life, these quotes are sure to brighten up your day.

If you’re in need of some motivation, funny motivational quotes can be just what you need to get going. These quotes combine humor and inspiration, giving you the positive boost you need to tackle your goals with a smile on your face. Whether you’re looking to achieve your dreams or simply need a little push in the right direction, these quotes are sure to inspire you.

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Funny work quotes can help to lighten up the stresses of the workplace. These quotes remind us to take a step back and find the humor in the daily grind. Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed or just need a little humor in your day, these quotes are perfect for any office setting.

For those who love to embrace their wild side, funny crazy quotes are a must-read. These quotes are sure to have you laughing out loud with their witty humor and hilarious insights. Whether you’re looking for something to share with friends or just need a little humor in your life, these quotes are perfect for any occasion.

If you’re short on time, short funny quotes are perfect for a quick laugh. These quotes pack a punch with their humor and wit, all in just a few words. Whether you need a quick pick-me-up or simply want to share a laugh with friends, these quotes are sure to do the trick.

When it comes to social media, funny status updates and captions are a great way to engage with your followers. These quotes are perfect for sharing on platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and are sure to get plenty of likes and shares. Whether you’re looking to entertain your followers or simply need a witty caption for your latest post, these funny quotes are perfect for any social media platform.

Funny quotes

1. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

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2. I can resist anything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

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3. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

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4. I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me. – Noel Coward

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5. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

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6. I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in a room together.

7. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius, and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke

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8. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – Zach Galifianakis

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9. I have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. – Rebecca West

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10. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

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11. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

12. I am only human, although I regret it. – Mark Twain

13. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers

14. Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway. – Gilbert Gottfried

15. If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable. – Larry David

16. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

17. I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution.

18. I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.

19. I may be a terrible person, but at least I have a good sense of humor.

20. I have a photographic memory but with the lens cap on.

21. I’m not arguing, I’m just passionate about being right.

22. I have the memory of a goldfish. Wait, what were we talking about?

23. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m correct.

24. I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in a room together.

25. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m the one who’s right.

26. I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinion.

Funny quotes for friends

27. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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28. A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. – Bernard Meltzer

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29. A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you. – Elbert Hubbard

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30. A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have. – Irish Proverb

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31. A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else. – Len Wein

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32. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. – Greg Tamblyn

33. The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. – Mark Twain

34. A friend to all is a friend to none. – Aristotle

35. A true friend stabs you in the front. – Oscar Wilde

36. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. – Samuel Butler

37. It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. – Marlene Dietrich

38. A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! – Doug Larson

39. I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places. – Mark Twain

40. If you want to find out who your real friends are, sink the ship. The first ones to jump aren’t your friends. – Marilyn Manson

41. I’m a big believer in putting your money where your mouth is. – Kevin O’Leary

42. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. – Garry Shandling

43. I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world. – Thomas A. Edison

44. I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship. – Debby Ryan

45. True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together. – Emilie Saint-Genis

46. A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. – Lois Wyse

47. You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job. – Laurence J. Peter

48. Friends are people who borrow books and set wet glasses on them. – Edwin Arlington Robinson

49. The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. – Mark Twain

50. Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean. But the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.

51. I used to be normal until I met those losers I call my best friends.

52. Friends don’t let friends do silly things alone.

53. Friends buy you a lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.

54. A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.

55. I don’t need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.

56. Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it’s good just knowing they’re there.

57. Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

58. Friends are like bras, close to your heart and there for support.

59. A good friend is like a warm quilt wrapped around the heart.

60. Friends don’t let friends drink alone.

61. A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg, even though they know you’re slightly cracked.

Funny quotes on life

62. I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? – Chandler Bing

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63. Life is like a camera, focus on the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out, take another shot.

64. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

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65. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

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66. The best things in life are free, but the expensive ones are worth it.

67. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

68. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. – Forrest Gump

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69. I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.

70. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

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71. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

72. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright

73. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. – Steve Jobs

74. I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

75. I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m hoping it’s wine.

76. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb

77. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

78. I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.

79. I’m not sure if I’m depressed or just really good at being sad.

80. Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid. – John Wayne

81. I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

82. I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

83. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

84. Life is too short to waste time on things that have no lasting meaning or value.

85. I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to put in the film.

86. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

87. I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. – Jimmy Dean

88. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

89. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

90. Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

91. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right, and you’re wrong.

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92. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.

93. Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever. – Peter Hagerty

94. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Danger

Funny motivational quotes

95. I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. And maybe pick up some ice cream along the way. – Jimmy Dean

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96. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time. Or you can take the escalator, I won’t judge. – Joe Girard

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97. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. But you also miss 100% of the naps you don’t take. It’s all about balance, really. – Wayne Gretzky

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98. Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful… and maybe even happy. – Albert Schweitzer

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99. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success. Like, maybe instead of losing 10 pounds, you’ll settle for losing your keys less often. – Unknown

100. Believe you can and you’re halfway there. But if you also have a really good GPS, you might be able to get all the way there. – Theodore Roosevelt

101. Success is not in what you have, but who you are. But if you happen to have a private island and a butler, well, that doesn’t hurt either. – Unknown

102. I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination… unless the wind is really strong, then I’m screwed. – James Dean

103. Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. And that something is probably a whole lot of caffeine. – Christian D. Larson

104. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. Or at least tolerate it enough to not quit before payday. – Steve Jobs

105. Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going. But maybe take a break every now and then to pet a dog or something. – Sam Levenson

106. It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. And the pizza. Definitely the pizza. – Abraham Lincoln

107. Believe you can and you’re halfway there. Unless you’re driving, then you need to believe in your GPS. – Theodore Roosevelt

108. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is now. Unless you’re really tired, then maybe take a nap first. – Chinese Proverb

109. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts. And a really good sense of humor. – Winston Churchill

110. The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. Or maybe in a trust fund. – Vidal Sassoon

111. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. But if you have access to electricity, that’s a good start. – Alice Walker

112. If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission. Or, you know, just apologize later. – Unknown

113. Believe in yourself, take on your challenges, dig deep within yourself to conquer fears. And don’t forget to bring snacks. – Chantal Sutherland

114. The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus. And a really cool sword. – Bruce Lee

Funny work quotes

115. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen

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116. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates

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117. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

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118. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost

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119. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison

120. Work hard, nap hard.

121. I’m not procrastinating. I’m just prioritizing by deadline.

122. I’m not lazy, I’m energy efficient.

123. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

124. I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right. And why you’re wrong.

125. I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, I don’t have any film.

126. I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

127. I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?

128. I’m not sure what my job is, but I know I’m doing it well.

129. I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.

130. I’m not sure if I’m getting older and wiser or just older and more tired.

131. I’m not a morning person. I’m a ‘coffee first, leave me alone’ person.

132. I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.

133. I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong. Except for that one time. And that other time.

134. I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.

135. I’m not a morning person. I’m a ‘coffee first, then maybe human interaction’ person.

136. I’m not a morning person. I’m a ‘leave me alone until I’ve had my coffee’ person.

137. I’m not procrastinating. I’m just waiting for the right moment to panic.

138. I’m not bossy. I’m just the one who knows how it should be done.

139. I’m not a control freak. I’m a control enthusiast.

Funny crazy quotes

140. I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours. – Lewis Carroll

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141. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right…and why you’re crazy.

142. Normal is just a setting on your dryer. – Patsy Clairmont

143. I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. – Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

144. I’m not sure what’s crazier: me or everyone else.

145. I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.

146. I’m not crazy, my unicorn made me do it.

147. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.

148. I’m not crazy, I prefer the term ‘mentally hilarious’.

149. I’m not crazy, I’m just special.

150. I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.

151. I’m not crazy. I’m just different. But different is good.

152. I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

153. I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

154. I’m not crazy. I’m just creatively insane.

155. I’m not insane. My reality is just different than yours.

156. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell. – Matchbox Twenty

157. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little eccentric.

158. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little insane.

159. I’m not crazy. I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

Short funny quotes

160. I hate it when people love me!

161. I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinions until I’m right.

162. I’m not shy, I’m just very good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.

163. I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

164. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

165. I don’t always have a witty comeback, but when I do, I come back ten minutes later with it.

166. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you why you’re wrong.

167. I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, and when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts. – Ellen DeGeneres

168. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

169. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

170. I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

171. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

172. I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

173. I’m not arguing, I’m just talking louder.

Funny status

174. I wish I could turn back time, to when I had more money and less responsibility.

175. Why yes, I do have a retirement plan. It’s called ‘Don’t Die.’

176. I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.

177. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

178. I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

179. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

180. I’m not a morning person, but if mornings were to start around noon, I’d be all for it.

181. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you the facts you don’t want to hear.

182. I don’t always have the perfect comeback, but when I do, I think of it in the shower.

183. I don’t always get to the gym, but when I do, I make sure to post about it on Facebook.

184. I’m not arguing, I’m just trying to educate you on the errors of your ways.

185. I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.

186. I’m not arguing, I’m just trying to save you from your own ignorance.

187. I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

188. I’m not arguing, I’m just discussing why I’m right.

189. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you how it is.

190. I’m not arguing, I’m just correcting your wrong opinion.

191. I’m not arguing, I’m just stating the obvious.

Funny captions

192. I’m not always funny, but when I am, I post it on Instagram.

193. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

194. Pizza is my Valentine.

195. I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

196. I don’t always have a witty caption, but when I do, I steal it from someone else.

197. I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.

198. Wine not?

199. I don’t always take selfies, but when I do, I make sure the lighting is good.

200. Coffee: because adulting is hard.

201. I’m not arguing, I’m just expressing my passionate opinions.

202. Don’t grow up, it’s a trap.

203. I’m not lazy, I’m just on power-saving mode.

204. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Smile, and enjoy the little things.

205. I’m not arguing, I’m just stating the facts.

206. Why fit in when you were born to stand out?

207. I’m not perfect, but my eyebrows are.

208. I woke up like this… tired.

209. Life is too short to be normal.

210. I don’t always take pictures, but when I do, I make sure I’m the best looking one in them.

211. I’m not arguing, I’m just educating you on the errors of your ways.

212. I can’t adult today, I need a unicorn.

213. I don’t always have the perfect caption, but when I do, I still don’t know what to write.

214. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you the truth you don’t want to hear.

215. I don’t always get to the gym, but when I do, I make sure to post about it on Instagram.

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Conclusion

Humor is an essential aspect of life that helps to ease tension, bring people together, and brighten the mood. The 215 funny quotes, status, and captions presented in this article are perfect for bringing some laughter into your day-to-day life. Whether you need a good laugh with your friends, some inspiration to keep going, or a witty caption for your social media post, there is something for everyone on this list. So go ahead and use these hilarious quotes to make your day a little bit brighter and bring a smile to the faces of those around you.

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Devang Vibhakar, Founder and Chief Editor of Spreadquotes.com is from India. He is passionate about quotes. Quotes has changed his life. He is also a writer and has written five books. He has explored the cultures of Scotland and Germany through different cultural exchange programs. You can learn more about him on his about page.

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